fear is a universal experience.

"fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth" (p 1. when things fall apart).


i commit myself to staying right where i am, then my experience will become vivid. Things become clear when there is nowhere to escape. If i stand on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference points, i will experience groundlessness. i may find that the present moment is a vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

i want to become comfortable with fear, look it in the eye. i want to be continually humbled. i no longer want to act out of ego. ego is just fear.

my discomfort is not about her. it's about my ego and my ego is afraid. afraid to not have her. but i...i am not afraid. at all.

what if for once i didnt act out, i didnt repress, i didnt blame it on anyone else, and i dont blame myself??? as pema chodron says...i may encounter my heart.


.i am humble today.

.i will not cheat myself out of the present moment today.

.i am wise and foolish, rich and poor, and totally unfathomable today.

.i deserve to pause today.

.i have the courage to face it today.

.i do not have to live my ego today.

.lonliness is couragous and challanges me to step out and not destruct today.

.i deserve something better than resolution today.

.i can relax with the groundlessness of my situation today.

.i have energy today.

.i will search for what is confused and brilliant in my heart today.

.i will act and speak in a way that communicates today.

.i will face my fear today.

last time.

this is the last post about her....







you are so beautiful.
everytime i look at these pictures my heart stops.

the chicken rides the moose. and horse(s)

dr. suess (ish)

there once was a day.

unlike today.

where i woke up and said i would like to play.

today felt strange

like a bird hitting glass

the definition of insanity

doing it over and over

and "expecting" different results

but where does that part

from the reality of life

where expectations are unavoidable

and there is hope where you lay

with thought in your head

and you can sit in your mind without having dread

i believe that there is a place

where straight girls dont lie

and chickens ride mooses

and there is a different plural to moose

but today doesnt matter

for there is a blue army guy with a gun

showing me that there is no more fun

when your heart is smushed

by the one you like

who does not like you

for she likes A GUY>

sunday/packing/dinner/packing/nothing

day four of my thirty meetings in thirty days.

and h.e.r.

monday. may 14.

the aftermath. you are a signal. there is a fatal resolve of organic material. where you are guided to a harmless location of vitality and prediction. within the distance of approaching your heart there is space to gasp. In that gasping belief in banding the unfamilar is more known...knowing the existance of ones place is of great demand. and power.

threading buttons can be like "navigating through" something. redundant. the definition of redundant is exceeding what is necessary or normal; or duplication. can a person be that?

being true to yourself is by defintion a marginal thing. evolving is by nature a difficult thing. expectations of emotion are disppointing and obtrusive. i do my best to have no expectations. which is impossible. but i can keep trying.

use your eyes without opening your mouth. then close your eyes and let me kiss your eyelids.

mothers day.

finally.

last night consisted of great korean food, a fight with lindsey, making up with lindsey, saying goodbye to my dear friend alex whom i may never see again, going to the midnight showing of "THE DESCENT" at the music box theatre...scarriest movie ever!, coming home and being afraid of being eaten by a humanoid alien man.

free key chains.

pitchfork. happy.

i got a little smushed today.

honesty is highly overrated and vulnerability sucks.

arrrgghh. captain kean, blue bird and lefftapus are gonna kick some pinky ass! ARRRGGGH matey!